Comedy sketch: Among enemies

I tried a couple of ideas for last week’s homework in the comedy writing class. Here’s the sketch I didn’t bring.

—
SMITH:

Welcome, members of the intelligence community. As many of you know, I am Smith–for security reasons, I can’t give you my full name, but I doubt you will have need to address me anyway. I am the personal assistant to the head of this agency, who I’m sure you have all heard of–the person known as B.

(Audience/AGENTS murmur)

Now, I know some of you have had dealings with B in the past, some that have not been exactly positive. However, in light of the current global situation, when the leaders of our countries have chosen to break down barriers and asked us all to work together, I know I speak for B when I ask that you please put away any grudges you may hold.

B:

(To SMITH)

Is it safe?

SMITH:

Yes, I have briefed everyone.

B:

No, I mean, is it safe?

SMITH:

Everyone has been checked for weapons.

B:

And?

SMITH:

None found.

B:

(To audience)

Hello, old friends. Welcome to our first general meeting as one global, allied spy agency.

AGENT J:

You killed my family!

B:

Who’s that now? Ah yes, my old nemesis from the former republic of–

AGENT J:

I’m J, from downstairs.

B:

J? Oh, right. How’s it going? Long time no see.

AGENT J:

You had my family killed last week!

B:

(To SMITH)

Did I?

SMITH:

You ordered it in response to a perceived threat to security.

B:

National security?

SMITH:

Job security.

B:

Oh, yes. I remember now.

(To AGENT J)

Listen, J, this isn’t the forum to bring up office politics, but let me just say that hitting reply-all on your emails is often a career-limiting move.

AGENT J:

All I did was type ‘LMFAO’ in an email that contained a link to a video about a kitten riding a turtle.

B:

Please keep any talk of codes private, J.

AGENT J:

That’s not a–it was an email you sent!

B:

Smith! We have a situation.

SMITH:

Perhaps you and the agent would like to discuss this at another–

B:

I said, a situation.

SMITH:

I’m not exactly comfortable with–

B:

Your comfort is irrelevant. Are you creating a…situation?

SMITH:

Handled in the usual manner?

B:

Do I ever request any other manner?

SMITH:

With all due respect, there are always alternatives to–

B:

That was an order, Smith.

(SMITH sighs, approaches AGENT J)

AGENT J:

What’s going on? Ack!

SMITH:

Could everyone in that row please move one over to fill the gap? B prefers to see every available seat filled.

B:

Now, as I was saying, I hope we can all bury the hatchet, so to speak. Or in our case, the cleverly concealed poison pellet delivery device…little spy joke. Anyway, as a for instance, I see Agent 53 over there. How are you? I apologize about your arm. What can I say? We were younger then, and I was eager to test our new exploding door handle technology. No hard feelings?

AGENT 53:

If I had only been a few seconds later I would have had you with our exploding door mat.

B:

Lucky me. Actually, I have Smith here to thank for that, for stopping me at the last moment.

AGENT X:

You also got lucky that time we tried to get you with the radioactive orange juice.

B:

Who is that? Oh, Agent X. Yes, I suppose I was lucky.

AGENT X:

How did you know not to drink from that glass?

B:

Smith pointed it out to me at the last moment, again. I believe I won the day on that occasion as well. Good to see you’ve recovered from my retaliatory ricin poisoning. Not many do.

AGENT X:

Yeah. Hey, can I get you a coffee?

B:

Why, thank you, I would love–

SMITH:

I would not recommend that.

B:

Ah, you almost got me! Good one, Agent X.

AGENT X:

Maybe next time.

B:

You know, I was always jealous of your code name.

AGENT X:

Is that why you tried to kill me?

B:

Can you blame me? Who here wouldn’t want to be known as “Agent X”? I mean, come on. Agent Pink, help me out here.

AGENT PINK:

I would have killed for your name, Agent X. Actually, I tried a few times.

B:

But you didn’t succeed, did you? That’s why you’ve never risen in the organization. At one time, you and I were colleagues.

AGENT PINK:

You had my entire team tortured so no one would compete with you in getting a promotion. How did you even know we were going to advocate against you?

B:

All thanks to Smith here–my eyes and ears. It’s all about motivation, Pinky. And that brings me to one of the main reasons I called you all here. I know we’ve all had our differences.

AGENT 65:

You burned down my house!

AGENT GREEN:

You caused the bombing of my homeland!

B:

We’ve all had our differences.

SMITH:

Coffee?

B:

Thank you, Smith. But I asked that you all be included in the new spy agency. Of course, I know I can only trust Smith, here. I’ve injured many of you, killed your loved ones and citizens of your countries, used many of you as stepping stones to get where I am today. But the point is, I’m here, and you’re there. I coined a phrase a long time ago: keep my friends close and my enemies closer, and that’s what I’ve done. I’m not afraid to tell you that, either.

SMITH:

So from now on, we’ll be restructuring our organization along more democratic lines.

B:

What’s that, Smith? I didn’t–

SMITH:

I ask that everyone share a moment’s silence for our former leader, the person known only as B.

B:

What are you–arg, the coffee…

SMITH:

Before I started working for you, Agent J was my partner.

B:

Who?

SMITH:

The Agent you had me…dispose of at the start of this meeting.

B:

This is your…

SMITH:

Revenge.

AUDIENCE/AGENTS:

Oooooo…

SMITH:

Also, just FYI, Sun Tzu said that thing about keeping your enemies close, not you. And it doesn’t work if your enemies are smarter than you.

AGENT PINK:

I would like to make a motion.

SMITH:

Yes, Agent Pink?

AGENT PINK:

As our first order of business, I move that my designation be changed to Agent X.

AGENT X:

Hey!

AGENT PINK:

Come on, let someone else have a turn!

SMITH:

Order! Order, please.

AGENT X:

Coffee, Smith?

SMITH:

Why thank you, I–ah, good one. You almost got me there. Anyway, let’s move on to our next item on the agenda…

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