Comedy sketch: Close encounters

Here’s the sketch I brought to last week’s comedy writing class

—

FRED:

Captain’s log, stardate 2237. Lieutenant Wagoner and I have established a base camp on the alien planet and are proceeding with preparations for human settlement. Wagoner has discovered a root-like species of vegetable that is edible, and has even developed several surprisingly tasty methods of preparation.

WAGONER:

Food’s ready.

FRED:

Captain Fred, signing off.

WAGONER:

Hey, are you done with the recorder?

FRED:

Go right ahead. I’m starved.

WAGONER:

Captain’s log, stardate 3722. Apparently, Lieutenant Fred is still under the delusion of being Captain. Space madness is a hell of a thing. He doesn’t even have the stardate right. Unless I’m the one with space madness…No, that would be ridiculous. Anyway, if Fred’s madness progresses, I may have to kill him. On the plus side, these alien veggies are incredible, almost addictive, with a pleasing, buzz-like effect. Farming opportunities definitely exist, not just for settlers but also possibly for export and profit.

ALIEN:

Hey freaks.

WAGONER:

Holy crap!

ALIEN:

What?!

WAGONER:

Fred!

FRED:

What? I was just–holy crap!

ALIEN:

What?!

FRED:

Alien!

ALIEN:

Yeah, I know!

WAGONER:

I can’t believe we’ve actually discovered an alien species.

ALIEN:

You discovered? Hey dude, you’re the alien. You and your pet here.

FRED:

I’m the captain of this expectation.

WAGONER:

Expedition.

FRED:

This is my lieutenant.

WAGONER:

Yeah, we need to talk about that.

ALIEN:

Listen, I’m totally chill with you-all hanging out here, but this is my pad, man. Mi casa. What you’re doing here is, like, a home invasion, man.

FRED:

Why are you talking like that?

WAGONER:

Are you scanning our minds and making us hear your language as if it were English?

FRED:

Of course, it must be a form of linguistic telepathy.

WAGONER:

Truly amazing. We’re certain to get medals for this discovery.

FRED:

Let’s name it after us!

ALIEN:

Yo, are you high? Why are you talking like that?

WAGONER:

Oh, I see–let me explain. Having ascertained your telepathic abilities we recognize that we will be honoured by our culture.

ALIEN:

No, dude. I mean, why are you speaking my language? There are thousands of languages on Earth. I would have thought you-all would have developed something different by now.

FRED:

You know about Earth?

ALIEN:

Dude, who’s your daddy? My people seeded your planet a long time ago. You were one of our most famous experiments.

WAGONER:

Of course!

FRED:

You get what this thing is saying?

WAGONER:

Forgive my lieutenant, here. He has space madness.

FRED:

Your the one with space madness.

ALIEN:

You both have space madness.

WAGONER:

Oh yeah? Would a person with space madness understand what you said about seeding earth? Clearly, you were establishing a form of colony on another planet, and letting it evolve and develop until it was advanced enough to return home. It’s poetic, in a way.

FRED:

You’re way off. Clearly, this alien species has been observing our development, watching us become stronger, battling each other like gladiators, as a form of entertainment.

ALIEN:

Wow, you’re loco.

WAGONER:

Are thinking what I’m thinking, Fred?

FRED:

This alien’s not so big, is it?

WAGONER:

It’s alone, too. I hate to admit it, but you’re right, Fred. We’re both right. Listen, alien, our race has endured many hardships. We’ve nearly destroyed ourselves and our planet hundreds of times over. But we’ve survived. Now, Fred and I represent the strongest of the strong. We’re the survivors. We’ve been made stronger through our hardships.

ALIEN:

You’ve kind of become dicks.

WAGONER:

And now we’re here to take over your planet.

FRED:

How do you like those apples, alien?

ALIEN:

Ha! You slay me.

FRED:

That’s the gist of it.

ALIEN:

The other aliens were right on about you Earth-folks. You are total ego-maniacs.

WAGONER:

Are you mocking your future overlords, you puny alien?

ALIEN:

Dude, look out there. See all those shapes in the dark?

FRED:

Oh my god…

WAGONER:

They’re everywhere.

ALIEN:

I’m so not alone here, dude.

WAGONER:

They’re hideous.

ALIEN:

Hey, man…

FRED:

You may have us outnumbered, but we’re still bigger and we have more weapons that you.

ALIEN:

Yeah, I’ve been checking out your ship here. It’s nice. Lots of guns and stuff.

WAGONER:

Yes, you and your people must fear us. Submit to us.

ALIEN:

By the way, this is really tasty.

WAGONER:

Oh, thanks. I cooked those–my own recipe.

ALIEN:

Nice.

FRED:

Anyway…we’re here to claim your planet and enslave your people.

WAGONER:

I’ll give you the recipe later.

ALIEN:

Cool.

FRED:

So, as the captain, I must ask you to take me to your leader.

WAGONER:

Take us both. He’s insane…but he is right about the claiming part.

ALIEN:

Ha! You are so damned funny.

FRED:

Are you mocking us?

WAGONER:

I asked that already. Man, you can’t even be original when you’re taking over an alien planet.

FRED:

Shut up, space lunatic.

WAGONER:

You shut up.

ALIEN:

Ha! Stop, you’re killing me. Okay, okay, listen. You have it all wrong. We’re not a people. There’s no leader. You’re looking at me here, but I’m also that skinny one over there, and that fat one over there. Actually, that one there is pretty hot, and it looks like it wants to have sex with that one. Anyway, these shapes that look like separate bodies are all outgrowths of a single creature. You’re actually standing on my ass.

FRED:

Gross.

WAGONER:

You picked the landing spot.

ALIEN:

Anyhoo, I procreate every few million years, and I send the little baby versions of me to planets all over the place.

WAGONER:

So we’re…?

ALIEN:

Yeah.

FRED:

What? We’re what?

WAGONER:

Separate outgrowths of the same creature?

ALIEN:

Bingo.

FRED:

Like separate limbs?

ALIEN:

More like fingernails, but yeah, pretty much.

FRED:

I’m so conflicted.

ALIEN:

Now you’ve got me thinking about it, do you mind scratching that boulder over there?

FRED:

This one?

ALIEN:

A little to the right…ah. Gracias.

FRED:

I’m a fingernail.

WAGONER:

We’ve been killing each other for thousands of years…for what?

ALIEN:

Dude, lighten up. Come on, let’s have some more of these delicious Earth snacks.

WAGONER:

Those aren’t from Earth.

FRED:

Yeah, we found those right over there.

ALIEN:

You found them over…my babies! You’re eating my babies!

WAGONER:

Wow.

ALIEN:

You made me eat my own babies! You monsters!

FRED:

They’re good with barbecue sauce.

WAGONER:

Totally, bro. Have another.

FRED:

Cheers.

ALIEN:

They’re all gone…How can you be so heartless?

WAGONER:

Hey man, how do you think humans survived so long?

FRED:

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

WAGONER:

Yeah, because we eat it!

FRED:

Hey Wagoner, what do you think would happen if we had sex with some of these shapes?

WAGONER:

Never know till we try–all in the name of science and whatnot.

ALIEN:

Man, humans are jerks.