Comedy sketch: The saga of the chesterfield
Here’s the sketch I brought to last night’s comedy writing class. I tweaked it a bit based on the feedback.
—
PETER
Holy smokes, look at all these parts.
IRIS
I liked our living room the way it was, honey. We didn’t need a new couch, and this one looks like it’ll be way worse than IKEA.
PETER
Icelandic furniture is supposed to be the new thing. Vice Magazine wrote that the instructions make IKEA look like Dostoevsky.
IRIS
What does that even mean?
PETER
I don’t know. Bill and Karen already have the living room set.
IRIS
So we’re competing with them?
PETER
I don’t know. It’s a lot cheaper than IKEA.
IRIS
It looks like an IKEA factory exploded inside a torture chamber. What do the instructions say?
(GUNNAR and HILDUR enter stage left)
GUNNAR
These instructions have been written by Iceland’s top design team of Gunnar Magnusson…
HILDUR
… and Hildur Kjarval. Congratulations upon your purchase of the Ragnarok Furniture Company’s Glanni Suh-ven-plass unit.
GUNNAR
Iceland’s pride!
IRIS
The hell kind of name is that for a couch?
PETER
I like it. It’s regal.
GUNNAR
Hey Hildur, can we really get away with calling it a “fool’s chesterfield”?
HILDUR
No one over there speaks Icelandic. Oh, I’ve got one—add this in: Before beginning construction, builders must mimic the behaviour of Iceland’s sweetheart and international recording artist, Bjork.
(HILDUR and GUNNAR high-five)
IRIS
How do I do that?
PETER
Come on, you love Bjork.
IRIS
All right, let’s see…early, shy, ingenue Bjork or later, aggressively-weird Bjork?
PETER
It doesn’t specify.
IRIS
(Sighs)
Let me think. Bjork, Bjork, be like Bjork…
(Covers her mouth demurely and giggles, speaks in a whisper)
Okay, what do we do now? I mean, what kind of magic is this?
PETER
Oo, good one. I mean–
(Covers mouth demurely and giggles, speaks in a whisper)
Good, uh…Big time sensuality!
GUNNAR
Now take the section named, “fyrstur” and connect it to the piece named, “annar.”
IRIS
I can’t read these markings. It looks like rune script.
PETER
I think this is an “f”…
IRIS
Oh, here’s “annar.”
PETER
Here’s “annar”-ther one.
IRIS
Ha, ha—oh, hold on, it says here…
HILDUR
Non-Icelandic citizens must not ridicule our glorious language. If you have already done so, you must throw the enclosed javelins at least 15 meters, for the sport of athletics is one of our nation’s favourite pastimes.
PETER
(Looking inside the box)
Hey, javelins. Here’s one for you.
IRIS
Remember when I was on the high school track and field team?
(PETER and IRIS throw them–sound of breaking glass)
IRIS
That’s got to be 20 meters. Yup, I’ve still got it.
PETER
(Calling out through a window)
Oh, hey Bill, Karen…sorry about that. Yeah. It’s called a Glanni Suh-ven-plass unit. No, it’s new.
IRIS
(Looking in the box)
Honey, don’t these things usually contain a ton of allen keys? I don’t see any.
GUNNAR
Please assemble the skrufa with the enclosed skrufjarn.
IRIS
Here’s a bag of screws labelled “skrufa.” So, I’m guessing “skrufjarn” means screwdriver.
PETER
(Digging around inside the box)
Oh, cool! I think I found it.
HILDUR
Our traditional skrufjarn reflects Iceland’s heroic viking heritage.
PETER
Check this out, honey! It’s a sword.
(Swings a huge sword around like a child playing with a new toy)
GUNNAR/HILDUR
It’s a svero!
GUNNAR
Use it to join the fyrstur to the annar.
(PETER and IRIS use the sword as a screwdriver to connect two pieces)
IRIS
Man, this sucks. We must be doing something wrong.
PETER
(Returning to the instructions)
I think there’s a section on troubleshooting.
GUNNAR
To aid in construction, grasp the traditional svero and re-enact the magnificent saga of Grettir the Strong.
HILDUR
The infamous outlaw, Grettir Asmundarson the Strong battles the undead creature known as Glamr the Draugr.
IRIS
You get to be the draugr…whatever that is. I’m going to be the hero.
GUNNAR
Grettir Asmundarson the Strong was renowned across Iceland for his freckles, his red hair and his enormous, fat belly.
IRIS
Forget it. I’ll be the draugr…a sleek and sexy, size 6 draugr.
PETER
So I get the sword?
IRIS
Svero.
PETER
I am so into this!
(PETER and IRIS enact a battle between a monster and a fat knight)
IRIS
Ow! You scratched me.
PETER
I’m sorry—I got carried away. I really felt a connection to Grettir the Strong.
GUNNAR
In this venerable saga, Grettir Asmundarson the Strong defeats Glamr the Draugr.
PETER
Yeah!
HILDUR
But the draugr places a curse on Grettir…
IRIS
Ah ha!
HILDUR
…leading to the outlaw’s death, years later atop the lonely fortress of Drang Isle.
PETER
That sounds like a bummer. What does it say about how he died?
GUNNAR
Aided by the draugr’s curse, Grettir’s enemies use sorcery to force him to commit suicide.
IRIS
Poor Grettir.
PETER
Yeah, they finally got to him. Wore him down. Aw man, I’m fat and old.
GUNNAR
The final step pays homage to Grimsvotn.
IRIS
(Removing something from the box)
Hey, this container is really hot.
HILDUR
The blood of Grimsvotn…
PETER
They sent us blood?
GUNNAR
…Iceland’s most powerful volcano.
IRIS
(Opening the container)
I don’t know. No, it’s—
GUNNAR/HILDUR
Lava!
GUNNAR
Pour a canal of Grimsvotn‘s blood.
IRIS
(Pours the lava on the floor)
This is going to ruin the tile.
PETER
It adds character to the house.
HILDUR
Use the lava to blacken the wood of your Glanni Suh-ven-plass unit.
(PETER and IRIS lift the couch and move it back and forth over the lava)
PETER
That’s not so bad. Kind of a cool effect, actually—better than staining the wood.
(They place the couch back down and move it into place)
I’ve got the seats here.
(Fluffs up the seats and places them on the couch)
Hey cool, they’re fireproof.
IRIS
Yeah, but now the instructions say we have to–
HILDUR
Fire-walk atop Grimsvotn‘s blood.
(PETER and IRIS remove their shoes and walk across the lava)
PETER/IRIS
Hot, hot, hot!
(PETER and IRIS collapse onto the couch)
IRIS
Wow, this is pretty comfortable after all.
PETER
I feel like we’ve shared a meaningful experience. We should celebrate.
IRIS
Oh yeah, I saw something about that–
(Reaches inside the box)
GUNNAR
To commemorate your successful construction, we have enclosed a traditional Icelandic delicacy for your shared consumption.
PETER
What is that?
GUNNAR/HILDUR/IRIS
Sheep’s head.
HILDUR
The eyeballs are the best part.
GUNNAR
Use the svero to scoop them out.
(PETER and IRIS scoop out the sheep’s eyeballs. Each holds one, which they raise to each other)
PETER/IRIS/GUNNAR/HILDUR
Skol!
(PETER and IRIS eat the eyeballs)
IRIS
Ugh, vitreous humour.
PETER
Just imagine it’s a piece of Freshen Up chewing gum, the kind that had the liquid goo inside? Remember how we used to love that when we were kids?
IRIS
Sure, okay…I’m chewing a piece of gum…I’m chewing a piece of gum from the 1970s…gum that is actually a sheep’s eyeball.
(Sound of breaking glass—two items land next to PETER and IRIS)
IRIS
Whoa! Javelins.
PETER
(Calling out through another window)
Oh hey Bill, Karen. Got the new dining room set, huh?
