Comedy sketch: Canadian Ink
Here’s the sketch I brought to this week’s comedy writing class.
—
(Throughout the sketch, people are tattooing other people in the background)
DAVID
(To audience)
I’m David M. Zaslav, President and CEO of Discovery Communications, the owners of TLC, and I’m in this busy tattoo shop for a very special television event.
(Walks among the tattooers, patting some on the back, checking their work)
We’re the network that brought you the hit tattoo-based reality shows Miami Ink, LA Ink, London Ink and New York Ink, as well as the upcoming Independent State of Samoa Ink, Sultanate of Oman Ink and Republic of Djibouti Ink, and now…
EDDIE
(To audience)
I’m Eddie MacDonald. Welcome to Canadian Ink!
(To CLIENT #1 and CLIENT #2)
So let me get this straight: you want me to create two original, full-colour tattoo designs from scratch, and you want each one to be large enough to cover your back.
(Consulting his notes)
You want the tattoos to combine the artistic styles of MC Escher, HR Geiger and the traditional tribal art from the island of Borneo.
CLIENT #1
Yup, and I want mine to have a fish, a sword and some flowers.
CLIENT #2
I want mine to symbolize these eleven important events and people in my life.
(Hands EDDIE a long piece of paper)
EDDIE
Okay, wait over there and I’ll have these drawn up in a couple of minutes.
CLIENT #1
Cool—I’ve only got about half an hour to spare. Will the tattoo take long?
EDDIE
On TV, we’ll be done in no time.
CLIENT #2
Will it hurt?
EDDIE
It sure won’t look that way. Oh, and I am totally interested in why you want these tattoos, especially if you can share some intimate stories.
CLIENT #2
I can, but they’re deeply personal and quite painful.
EDDIE
I hope you make me cry. That’s why I got into this business.
DAVID
The latest in a tradition of popular yet wildly inaccurate representations of tattoo shops, Canadian Ink explores this steadily-becoming-less-exotic industry from the unique perspective of the Great White North.
CLIENT #1
I also want a tattoo of a maple leaf, but…
EDDIE
Let me guess. You want it to be blue.
CLIENT #1
How did you know?
EDDIE
(To the other tattooers in the shop)
Hey guys, we got another one! Get Francois.
FRANCOIS
(To audience)
I apprenticed with master Horiyoshi in Osaka for 15 years, where I mastered the art of traditional Japanese tattoo…but as the only Quebecois in the shop, the other guys think it’s funny to have me do all the Toronto Maple Leaf logos. Maudite anglais.
(FRANCOIS begins tattooing CLIENT #1)
CLIENT #1
(To audience, and tearing up)
My dad used to take me to Leafs games when I was a kid, and now that he’s passed away I want this tattoo as a memorial to him.
(To FRANCOIS)
One other thing: Can you add some text? They were my dad’s final words.
FRANCOIS
(To audience)
At first I was cynical, but when I heard this customer’s story I felt honoured to be part of his life.
(To CLIENT #1)
Of course. What would you like it to say?
CLIENT #1
‘Habs suck’.
FRANCOIS
Tabarnak! I quit.
(FRANCOIS exits)
DAVID
All the art! All the drama! All the tattoo stereotypes you’ve come to expect…
BUD
(To audience)
They call me Bud. I used to be in a gang, did time in jail. Tattooing saved my life, man. The artwork on my body represents my life of crime…
(Lifts arm, points to areas on his torso)
…except for this teddy bear. And over here: teddy bear riding a unicorn…Hey camera-guy, you laughing? I happen to like teddy bears. You know what, I’m out.
(BUD exits)
SKY
(To audience)
Uh, I’m Sky. I guess I’m just a laid-back dude, you know, I go with the flow. My art is like a road map of the strange journeys in my life…
(Lifts arm)
…whoa, I totally don’t remember that one. What is that, an owl in a bowler hat? Weird. Hey, do me a favour.
(Lifts shirt and turns back)
Tell me what’s on my back. I know I’ve got something there…Oo, is it 4:20 already?
(SKY exits)
CINDY
(To audience)
So, I’m Cindy. Sometimes I spell it with an ‘S’. As the lone female artist in the shop, it can be hard to earn the guys’ respect and prove that I’m not just eye candy for TV, but I’ve learned that the—
DAVID
Tune in for the sexy drama and potential nudity!
CINDY
Goddammit.
DAVID
Canadian Ink takes you where no other tattoo-based reality shows dare to go!
EDDIE
(To other tattooers in the shop, and reading from a piece of paper)
All right guys, now we do piercings.
(To CLIENT #2)
What would you like, miss?
CLIENT #2
I want to get my nipples pierced. Who do I see about that?
(Except for CINDY, the remaining tattooers—and CLIENT #1—raise their hands)
CINDY
Oh for Christ’s sake…
EDDIE
And you, sir?
CLIENT #1
I want my penis pierced.
(The remaining tattooers—and CLIENT #1—look at CINDY)
CINDY
I quit.
(CINDY exits—background activity now includes piercings)
DAVID
With the high staff turnover these shows are known for, Canadian Ink will even—eventually—get around to examining the art of the aboriginal community.
TOM
(To audience)
I’m Tom, a member of the Haida Nation. We have an ancient tradition of tattooing that I’m more than happy to discuss, especially the—
CLIENT #1
Hey, can you do me a blue maple leaf but done in that kind of native art style?
TOM
Do you have any idea how insulting this is?
CLIENT #1
How about a raven and a whale?
TOM
That’s more like it. You know, these animals have an interesting—
CLIENT #1
Make one of them blue and the other red, and make sure to include the words, ‘Habs suck’.
TOM
I quit.
(TOM exits)
DAVID
Canadian Ink: It’s indelible! Did we mention the piercings? No other show does that. Although, I guess that means we need to change the name of the show…Man, we never think these things through. I mean, ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’—what the hell is that about? I need to rethink my life. It’s not like I don’t have other offers. Anyway, watch Canadian Ink…and Piercings!
EDDIE
(To audience)
At first I was nervous about giving my first tongue piercing, but when I heard this customer’s story, I felt honoured to be part of his life.
CLIENT #1
Mmmh, nnngh duh mwuh ng guh…
DAVID
Brought to you by TLC. That stands for The Learning Channel…but we haven’t had anything to do with education since, like, 1991. You know, I graduated with honors from the Boston University School of Law. Ah, screw it. I quit.
